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Well, here's something I have to admit. I HAVE NO CLUE! None. I have no idea where this journey I am on is taking me. I have no idea where God intends for me to go. I have no idea what I want to do, or what I am meant to do. I have no idea how to help myself, and worse, I have no idea how to help my family. Ok...now that that is out of the way and I can regain control over the fact that I am on the verge of crying over that simple little three word phrase that I hate so very much.....
I didn't plan on getting sick. Hell, when I did realize I was sick, I still didn't realize what it meant. You hear so many people throw their encouraging words at you "you'll beat it!" "you're strong" "you'll be fine"....and you start to believe it. You hear people tell you "there are so many new treatments out there".... "I know so-and-so who's had it for years and is fine"..."my friend is cured of MS"....all these things are thrown around and you think "yeah, I can do it! No sweat." and each time a new challenge comes up you think "this could be worse" and there are so many people who are worse off and as long as you stay along this track, you will be fine. Well, let me tell you....even the most optimistic people experience a little pessimism once in a while. I still have a decent outlook on things...and I am in noooo way here for a pity party---not my style...but I have to say, things have been rough lately.
I've probably said this before, but the hardest part of this whole thing is the not knowing. Growing up, Math was always my favorite subject in school because it dealt with fact. Concrete answers that never changed. 2 + 3 will always equal 5. No matter how you write it. You know what to expect. When you find the answer, it is what it is, forever. I have a strong fear of the unknown. Yeah, I'm sure lots of people do, but it makes me feel out of control and It scares the crap out of me. Not knowing how this disease will go or what course it will take, scared me every day. Even on the days where I feel the best and pretend nothing is wrong so well that I might actually be believing it myself. Not being able to go up to someone and say "Hey, you have MS...whats the course?" Sucks. It just does. People tell me all the time I have this friend who has it, if you want someone to talk to...and believe me, I appreciate it...and perhaps at some point I might like to...I have enjoyed my conversations with the few people I have spoken to that have MS.....but sometimes I just feel like I don't want to know. I feel like either they will have a worse case, and the thought of that happening to me scares me more so I'd rather pretend the threat isn't there.... or, you'll have a much better case, in which I'll feel like I already hit the worse case scenario. I mean, I KNOW it can get a whole lot worse. I know people have gone blind. I know people cant walk, ever. I know people have hundreds of problems way more complicated than I have had so far.....and I guess, that is what scares me. That those are all possibilities. There isn't a set path that I am headed down. I could be the lucky one that hits a stride and doesn't experience any symptoms for years to come....or I could hit the stride that brings me to decline much faster than I ever imagined. I am working really hard at being positive on this, and most days I succeed....but like I said, its been rough lately. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better equipped to handle the whole outcome no matter what it was going to be...as long as I knew that that was the path I was on.
I guess another part of my strange "depression" is just not knowing what to do with myself. Taking care of my daughter is by far the happiest points of my life...but unfortunately, no matter how hard my husband works these days, we cannot seem to get ahead. I am not sure what to do. Running my shop from home doing design work and printing is really pretty perfect. I can fit it into my own schedule and work around appointments and feeling crappy and taking care of Abigail. The only trouble with that is that it takes a ton of energy (and money!) to get the business going again. And lately, I just haven't had either of those to get things going like I should. It's really tough starting over. And budgets are being cut all over and when that happens, printing takes a dive. People don't always care about quality any more...they care about price. And sometimes, that doesn't even mean they get the BEST price. They may think something is the best price....when it's really about twice as much as something I would sell them at a MUCH higher quality. But it's hard to get that known around. And our families are not always the most supportive on things like this...well, I should say my family isn't. It's not really something they understand...the whole owning your own business. Struggling to make a life for yourself that isn't the exact cookie cutter outline of what "they" tell you to do. Which is get a job. Get married. Buy a house. With a white picket fence. Get a dog. Have a kid. Work your butt off every day for the rest of your life making someone else rich just to put food on your table. be miserable. That's my take on the recipe for the average american lifestyle. I hate it. My family strives for it. When it comes down to it, I really am happier doing my own thing over making someone else rich. I know I struggle more and things are harder, but it makes me a stronger person. I wouldn't change that for anything. Average. Being a sheep. It works for some people----lots of people---but it isn't for me. Anyways, that said....it's tough getting my family to help promote me or spread the word. They probably figure I should just go get a job like everyone else...at WalMart or something....or my husband should just work harder than he already does. However, it's not to say that I might be a little less stressed if I didn't have to worry about money so much. We are really close to being totally debt free....but we still live with my brother-in-law. We are not in a situation yet where we could get our own place, and that stresses me out. I hate worrying about money...it's my second biggest fear. (and probably stresses me out more than the first.) The idea of having no idea how to make more money to help my family scares me like you can't imagine. The thought of not being able to pay a bill or get something that the baby needs...is probably a huge source of the stress that leads to my attacks. I wish I knew the route to take. What to do to cover my illness, my wanting to be home taking care of Abigail, and making money to help my family. That would help me a lot. lol I'm taking any suggestions or ideas you might have! And, if you know of anyone at all that might require any kind of printing---please point them in the direction of my website. www.copyriteprintshop.com
I do have to say that I have been spending a lot of my time dealing with these two fears. I am getting better--slightly--at handling the unknown...and maybe someday I will get a little better at handling money worries. Although, the closer I get to being debt free and having the life that I want....the less stressed money will make me. My recipe for a perfect life would be to own a bunch of land somewhere, build my own homestead (ok, my husband would do that part) and live on the beautiful earth with my husband and children. We'd grow our own food and raise our own animals. Nothing huge, but maybe a cow or two and some chickens and a goat...who knows. I'd make all my own soaps and washes. I'd hang my clothes to dry in the beautiful clean air.. I wouldn't be cramped next to a million other houses taking forever to drive down the street because there is so many other people on the road. I'd enjoy the outdoors. We'd run through the open land and just laugh. A Simpler Life. Free of all the complications and garbage in today's society. Free from the daily grime of having the newest and best piece of technology or beauty product shoved down your throat....because there MUST be something wrong with you if you don't buy it. I hate that. I hate everything about the way we live today. I hate feeling like a sheep in the herd unable to make my own decisions or have my own ideas without messing up everything for everyone around me. The black sheep gets left behind. That's how I feel. And it's absolutely ridiculous that that is how things have gotten. That is not a life for my daughter. That does not express the values or the morals that I want her to grow up by, and live by. I want a simpler life. Not free of all civilization or modern conveniences...just free of all the crap. Free to live how I want without having to worry about working til I'm broken just to fork all the money over to someone else's wallet for doing half as much. I want to take the time to enjoy life and the things around it. Not feel like I am rushing through it to just make ends meet or get on to the next unimportant thing in the grand scheme of things. I want to be healthy. I don't think that our world is designed for people to be healthy. Everything we do or consume is designed for poor health. I don't necessarily believe that we are close to finding cures for many diseases....because it makes society more money to remain sick. If you can charge $1500 per month per person with MS for the rest of their life.....for the medication that they believe is helping them (and sure, maybe it is).....why would they want to come out with a cure that each person only takes once? It's sick that that is how I think...I know. But to me, it makes total sense. Not that that is what I think they should be doing...but I believe that is how corrupt our world has gotten. Money is all that matters. The bottom line is above all else. If someday I am given reason to rescind that theory, I will gladly do so. I pray for that day. But until now, I guess that is the one aspect where I truly am a glass half empty person.
Anyways, I guess it's been so long since I've written that I needed a couple posts to get out all the crap that's been mulling around in my brain. I find it doesn't make much sense for me to reread these types of posts and edit them because I end up totally changing them....but at the same time I know that I am being a scattered writer that is probably making no sense. But that's ok. Now you can see my brain from how I see it. haha. An Open Book. My goal at the end of this post: A Simpler Life. I'll be posting more DIY recipes and filling you in on our new goals and ideas and hopes. I don't care where it takes us, or how we get there. In a short amount of time we will be setting and reaching goals towards my perfect life of freedom. A healthier life. A happier life. A better life. A Simpler life.
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