Our third pregnancy...
In August 2016, my husband and I decided we wanted our third (and final!) baby. We did "research" on old wives tales and statistics and any kind of information we could locate about how to increase the likelihood of getting our baby boy. (Although in reality we never cared about the gender, we just thought it would be nice to end with a little boy) We read about things to eat...things not to eat...things to do...you name it, we read about it. We started preparing with ovulation testers. Within a few days, I knew it had worked. We waited a few weeks, and I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.
Soon after, at exactly seven weeks pregnant, the "morning sickness" started. Which, let me tell you...Morning sickness is a phrase that really irritates me. For me, it was NOT morning sickness. It was 24/7 non stop sickness. Anything could send me running to the bathroom to hug the porcelain throne. I was nauseated all day, every day. I didn't want to eat....but if I didn't eat, every 2 hours, I was spending plenty of time dry heaving.
I had no energy. Literally none. The first trimester was a beast. I had to force myself to get anything done. And accomplishing anything in my day felt like a huge success. I remember being pretty sick with Abigail (my first), vomiting up to 5 times a day for the first 6 months...but I don't remember FEELING so horrible. There was no "glowing" for this pregnant lady. Unless, by glowing you meant the green hue that was probably pretty visible from how awful I felt.
It also wasn't just the physical illness. I was carrying this sinking feeling about the whole pregnancy. I just couldn't get excited about it. We had wanted this so badly. I wanted another baby. Why wasn't I as excited as I was with the first two? I thought it must just be because I was feeling so sick. I knew there were some simple things I would need to re-buy for this baby, but I kept putting it off. I remember with Abigail & Cadence, I was buying them things from the very beginning. Now I look back, and think that it was my body & mind preparing myself for what my brain didn't yet know.
Around Thanksgiving, I finally started to get some energy back. Still feeling pretty awful, but at least I could get some things done in between bathroom runs. (My husband making a cup of coffee was the WORST!!! The smell was just plain putrid for me).
The first week of December, I went for a checkup at 18 weeks. I heard our baby girls heartbeat and was told it was strong. We picked our date for my c-section (I have had two so now required a third)...
How our lives were traumatically forever changed....
Two weeks later, we had our 20 week ultrasound scheduled. It was on 12/23/16. I was finally getting excited about this baby. I was halfway there. My nausea had mostly subsided the last couple of weeks. My energy level was up. A friend had given me a box of baby clothes...We had a name for her...my girls were excited....it was getting real. We had vacation plans for once she was born. We were excited, because even though the tech had told us she was "fairly sure" that it was a girl at our 13 wk ultrasound, we were going to get the official sex results and be able to reveal it on Christmas. Little did we know that this would be the most devastating Christmas ever. As usual, my husband and our two girls came along for the appointment. We enjoy doing most things as a family, and we include our girls in just about everything with us. I remember laying back. Finally excited. The baby came up on the screen. I smiled and pointed and started to tell the girls to look at the baby. At that moment while my husband was trying to get them situated so they could see, the tech started stumbling over her words and said to me. "Um, Melissa, I'm noticing a problem. Do you want me to just say it?" and my heart sunk. "Just say it" I told her. In the background the girls and my husband were excited and talking about the baby. "I'm not picking up a heartbeat". And I remember feeling as though the world instantly came crashing down on top of me. In just that short instant, I was fighting with myself on how to not completely fall apart on that table. How to be strong for my girls. How to not turn and tell that tech she was wrong. So terribly wrong. Yet, at the same time, it was as though my fear all along had come to fruition. I was devastated, but not entirely surprised. My world had made a full circle, 6 years ago I was devastated by the news that I had multiple sclerosis...I guess it was my turn again. The poor technician was practically in tears herself. She was stumbling over apology after apology. (I can only imagine how hard her job must be sometimes. To go from being present at a families most exciting news, to their most tragic. I would not want to be in her shoes. ) I looked up at my husband who was only just realizing that I had stopped being excited. I shook my head through my tears. I told him there was no heartbeat. I told the girls their baby sister had died. They both broke down sobbing. We followed the tech to a room where we all had a good cry while we waited for my doctor to come in. Abigail took it the hardest, because even though she is only 5, the concept of death and being gone forever is something she can understand, or at least grasp better than her sister. She knew it meant she was not going to have a new baby sister this time.
We were sent home and told that the special doctor at another clinic would contact us on Tuesday (this was a Friday) about scheduling me for the next steps. Christmas eve was Saturday. We did our absolute best to keep smiling faces for our girls for the next two days so their Christmas was not ruined. It was hard for me. I asked my mother to inform everyone that was coming to Christmas eve at her house so that I didn't have to spend the whole night upset and in tears while filling everyone in. They were great. No one said anything about it to us. We actually had a good night. With laughs. The girls had a blast. Christmas Day with my husbands family was a little harder. Just the extra tight hug, or little hand squeeze someone would give me sent me to tears. It was also hard knowing that I had to go several days praying that my body didn't decide to reject the baby itself before I got to the hospital.
The "procedure"...
On Tuesday we were scheduled for an appointment for that afternoon to meet with the doctor to discuss our two options. Inducing labor. Or doing a D&E (dilation and evacuation--we were too far along for a normal D&C, though I think they must be pretty similar). We originally were fairly certain we wanted to do the inducing. We thought it would ensure the most viable samples to be sent to pathology to hopefully find an answer for us as to what went to terribly wrong so far along. We thought it would be the most gentle on my body (physically. We knew it would be far more traumatic emotionally). I did not have an answer that felt right. How could I, when everything about this was so very very wrong? Part of me just wanted "this to be over". I wanted to all but erase the last 5 months from my life and start again. I didn't want to have this lingering and making me so sad for so long. The next part of me felt that I needed to do the induction...because it was sort of like my "punishment". That I needed to suffer this trauma to the fullest extent because clearly I must have done something wrong. I was not able to do my one job. Keep my baby safe. And a final part of me felt that I should do the induction because maybe it was the one thing this baby was sent to offer me. Some semblance of a "real" child birth. After having two c-sections, I sometimes feel as though I missed out on the whole labor and delivery experience, and I thought this was maybe how I could get my experience.
After discussing everything with the doctors, we discovered that actually doing the D&E (which by the way, I think is a horribly distasteful name for the procedure, and find it really upsetting that the majority of the information online about it is based upon abortions. I really wish they would have given it another name so that a mother who just went through quite possibly the worst experience of her life would not have to see the word ABORTION across her screen 500 times while trying to get more information on the procedure), would yield the most tissue samples for pathology. It was also the safest option for me. It did not count as another c-section so it would not effect any future pregnancies. It would be quick. Less emotionally traumatizing. I would be put under for the entire procedure. And inductions sometimes did not work and would then need to be changed to a D&E anyways. So we opted for the D&E. Thursday we needed to meet with the doctors again so that we could prepare for surgery on Friday. They also needed to insert laminaria (seaweed sticks) into my cervix to help manually start dilation. They hadn't given me too much information on this, but literally, they look like 4" long wooden sticks (they are actually seaweed I guess). They insert about 7 of them into you. I was very grateful for my husband that day because I am pretty certain I squeezed all of the blood out of his hand during the procedure. His hand showed a bright white handprint where I had been squeezing and his arm was not in a very comfortable position, but he never once complained. (I guess he was grateful to be on the opposite end of the lovely stick insertion). They then inserted some sort of medication to numb things for a while...and then informed me that I would feel a little loopy right after. I felt loopy for probably an hour after. It was literally like I was drunk. I had trouble walking. Everything was strange. After that, it was somewhat uncomfortable for the rest of the day. I had some mild-moderate cramping. But no bleeding, so that was good. That night, I slept from about 11pm-12:30 and from 2:00-3:30. After that I gave up on sleep. I had started with some bleeding, and I felt like I was having some sort of mild contractions or random bouts of extreme cramping. I was worried that everything was going to start happening on its own.
Luckily we had to leave shortly after 7am to head to the hospital. The entire staff was very nice. And although they started my procedure late, the whole thing went rather quick. I was out before I even remember them telling me they were starting...and then I woke up. And that was that. I woke up starving. They fed me a muffin and glass of juice. And what felt like less than 10 minutes later, they were wheeling me outside to my husband and our car. The anesthesia had not even completely worn off (I still was quite groggy). We were heading home shortly around lunch time. And just like that, the little life my body had given so much to over the last five months was gone.
How your body may react....
What they didn't prepare me for, was what happens to your body after a loss. I knew what happens after delivering a baby, but through everything, it never actually crossed my mind that my body would not realize that the baby was not actually born. And that everything had gone so terribly wrong.
Two days after my procedure, my breasts started aching. An aching I was sadly all too familiar with. When both my girls were 8 months old, I was sent into MS flair ups. Both times I had to immediately stop nursing to be put on high dose steroids. Both times, I endured engorgement. Was this some kind of cruel joke? Why in the world would my body begin producing milk when there was no baby? For the next few nights I could not lay on my back or let anything touch or bump into me. Thankfully, that did not last longer than those few days.
Next came another reaction that I was again very familiar with. Night sweats. I remember the hormones causing night sweats after both my girls were born. But yet again, my body was mis-reacting. Night sweats lasted about a week and a half.
The doctor did warn me that I would probably have mild bleeding for about 3-5 days. While doing research the other day, I've discovered that many people state they bled on and off for about 2 weeks or so after their procedure. Sometimes you may even think you are in the clear for a day, and then it starts up again.
Other than that, physically I feel OK. I started sleeping a little better. I did not have any pain from the procedure. My body seemed to be doing much better than it had been the last 5 months.
How your mind and heart might react...
For the first week, I felt as though I was eating to fill the hole in my stomach and heart. I wasn't sure how much of it was just my normal appetite returning and showing just how sick I was during the pregnancy, and how much was due to sadness.
At first we went back and forth between naming the baby and not. We realized that we never did get our official confirmation that the baby was in fact a girl. We just assumed it was correct. We had picked out one name for a girl that we loved. The thought of never being able to use that name to call after a bouncing toddler or a beautiful preschooler, still breaks my heart every time I think about it. But it was the name we were calling her by for about 7 weeks. It was by all accounts, her name. How could we ever hand her name off to another baby? In the end, we decided she was special. Our third baby. Our angel. She would have been a little person. She deserved her name. And so, she became our angel, Ophelia Grace.
I've also gone through some emotions I never thought I would. I don't really want to call it jealousy, because that is not what it is....I guess just more sadness. I get sad when I see pictures of friends who are expecting. Sad when I see pictures of brand new babies. I had to refrain from attending the baby shower of someone I care about very much because I did not want to bring my sadness to her special day. Sad when I see people excited that they passed the genetic testing or the first trimester mark...because to me, now, none of those things mean anything. There is no sure bet. No completely safe point. Only hope. And hope is hard to have when it's been crushed.
So many people offered me their love, prayers, and support. I am so blessed and thankful for all of them. I heard of so many more losses that I was unaware of. My heart aches for them all. It is never easy to lose a child, no matter when that loss occurs.
There are days when I think I am doing ok. I think I am being strong. And then something sets me off. A missed maternity shirt in my closet. A baby sock that didn't get packed away. Something one of my girls says to me. Something on TV. It's hard. It isn't fair. It's life reminding us that we are not the one's in charge. Our plans are never set in stone.
How your spouse might react...
My husband loves his little girls more than anything in the entire world. Everything he does is for them. Every goal and plan he makes is for helping ensure them the best possible future. He is our rock. I know this has been extremely hard for him as well. He looks strong and ok on the outside. He remains strong when the rest of us cannot. But I know when we aren't looking, he has had his own emotions towards the loss of our third daughter. He has made some comments about things he has thought or felt that have just made my heart crumble even more. He was the one who wanted to name our angel. Even when I was not sure. Every spouse reacts differently. Men generally are not as emotional. But that does not mean it is not just as hard for them to go through.
How your children may react....
Thankfully, kids are incredibly resilient. My oldest gets sad every now and again. She asks me questions like "what happens if a new baby never grows in your tummy again mommy? I really wanted another baby sister" and before my procedure, she had the insight enough to ask "Mommy, what happens to the baby in your tummy now that she has died?" She says things like "I'm sad the baby had to die. I'm sad Cadence won't get to be a big sister yet." Her understanding and how she is processing everything breaks my heart but also reminds me that I am glad we don't choose to keep our kids in the dark. She will become stronger because of this.
Cadence, maybe doesn't completely understand...but I think she understands enough, in her own way....Shortly after we found out, we were in the store and we walked by a display of baby socks. She yelled out "Aww! Look at those cute baby socks. I wish the baby in your tummy didn't have to die." She has snuggled next to me and hugged my tummy, then kissed it and said "bye bye baby. I love you." And every now and again she will ask me if there is another baby in my tummy yet. She has told me that she decided this time she wants to baby to be a baby brother. She seems to know that when I am quiet, or appear sad, that it is because of the baby. And she will hug me and tell me she loves me and that it will be ok, another baby will be there soon. Her caring and loving nature is one of the things I love most about her.
All of these things break my heart and make me love my girls so much more...if that is even possible. I am grateful we choose to be a close family that shares everything with our children. And I am saddened that my precious little girls had to go through something so tough so soon. That I couldn't shield them from this pain.
Fear of the unknown...
I knew that I was diagnosed with MS when Abigail was 8 months old. I knew that I had another major relapse when Cadence was 8 months old. I was preparing for how I would handle things differently in the hopes of preventing another relapse when Ophelia was to be 8 months old. Now, I am at a total loss. I have no idea what to expect. I know that today (1/11/17), 12 days after my D&E, I am feeling what may be some bits of my MS showing through. I am achy. I feel somewhat "flu-ish". I am tired. All things someone may contribute to a million other things, but I know my body well enough to know it is going through a whirlwind of hormones, emotions, stress...all things my MS hates. I'm struggling to balance the stress in the attempt to prevent a major relapse, but I have no idea what to expect. I don't know what exactly caused the relapses at 8 months postpartum before...I think it was the pregnancy hormones winding down. It took 8 months because I was nursing. But now, there is no baby. So my hormones can go back to "normal" much quicker. Will that prevent, or cause a major relapse? Was it just a coincidence the last two times? I don't know. I don't really want to start on daily injections again just yet. I want my third (Or I suppose now, fourth) baby. I know it won't be right away, but I want to be as healthy as I can be when the time is right to try again. To me, injecting toxins into my body is not ensuring my health in any way other than possibly helping to control my MS.
Pathology. They warn you not to "get your hopes up" about finding out what caused the miscarriage. As if your hopes could be up about such a thing. But I guess I really am hoping that they are able to give me a reason. I need to know. I need to know it's not something that I did wrong. I know that everyone says "don't blame yourself. You did not do anything wrong"...but how do they know? And how could I not think that I might have? I pray that they come back and tell me it was just a horrible chromosomal problem. But I will settle for any answer, just to know what caused this.
UPDATE: On 1/12, we went back to the doctor for a followup. They informed us that upon first inspection of the baby everything looked as it should be. Normally, that would have been great news! I was slightly disheartened. Not that I wanted something to be wrong, but it already had gone wrong, and finding out something like there was a huge heart defect, or part of the brain hadn't formed, or something like that would have made me feel a little better. That at least she wasn't suffering. Now we need to just wait. It takes about 6 weeks or so to get a report back on the pathology testing that they do to look for chromosomal abnormalities and other testing for infections and such. I think more often than not these do not come back with anything and the doctors still just chalk everything up to chromosomal defects. I really hope that they are able to find something so we can have some closure.
In another month, I plan to contact my regular obgyn and have her do some follow up testing to ensure that everything in me is still as it should be and that there is not something that would prevent me from being able to safely be pregnant. They keep ensuring us that "the best evidence that everything is fine and this was just terribly bad luck is that you have had two healthy children in the past." That to me is just a bunch of crap they spew. Sure, that makes a tiny bit of sense...but my last pregnancy was about 4 years ago. Bodies can change in 4 years. Things can go wrong. I had a c-section, maybe something unknown happened during it? I had MS relapses, maybe they changed something? I was taking a horrible potent injection to treat my MS...it caused me to lose a LOT of weight and have a lot of terrible side effects that have led me to believe that it was possibly slowly killing me...maybe that changed something? I don't know. But I won't feel comfortable until I feel I have done my due diligence in ensuring that everything appears to be safe in order for us to try again.
There is no easy ending....
It's heartbreaking to think of all of the "firsts" that we will never get to experience with our angel. The experiences my other two girls would have shared with their baby sister. The things they would have taught her. The joy of hearing their giggles. Watching my husband be amazing to yet another one of his precious daughters. Seeing what kind of little girl she would become. Sharing the special moments with her that would set her apart from the other two girls. All the snuggles that will be missed. The pictures never taken. Even the first bumps, bruises and skinned knees I will never get to kiss and make better. It's extremely hard to think about.
Some people seem surprised that I am able to say we will try again. Some people can't imagine how. Others completely understand. It's different for everyone. For us, we have so many reasons for wanting a third child. For me, I think that third child will help me heal. I don't think he/she will erase this tragedy for me, but it will help me to heal and find peace. It will help Abigail & Cadence to heal since they were so excited about a new baby.
I will update with the final pathology results once we receive them.
Our angel will forever be in our hearts. We love you Ophelia Grace.
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