As I am nearing three months after my second trimester loss, I still have people asking me if I am ok. Most of the time my response will be "yes I'm doing ok" or sometimes "I'm hanging in there". If I am truly honest, the answer should be "Not really"...or at least "Not always".
Yes, most days I would appear fine. Many of those days I even feel basically fine. But then there are the days when I just...don't.
I'm not sure if it is still hormones, or just my body, mind, and soul taking it's own round about way to deal with the last few months. Lately though, it has been tough. Yes, I know, I have 2 wonderful and amazing little girls. And they should be enough. And they are. And they're not. I should be happy with my life. And I am. And I'm not.
I feel as though I am in a constant struggle with my self. My heart and my brain are battling and I'm not sure who's winning. At first, it seemed pretty clear, we would try again for another baby. I mean, we planned for the third baby. We wanted her so much. We were excited about being pregnant. So just pick ourselves up, dust off and try again. But now everything is so confusing. Our lives were thrown off their axis, and I feel like mine keeps trying to get back on track but as soon as it gets close, it veers away, ever so slightly.
We keep discussing whether or not we should try again for that third baby. We keep going over all the rational (sort of) thoughts: Can we truly afford another baby? How much will having another baby take away from our two girls now. How much will we have to put on hold again while raising a newborn? How much risk is there for my Multiple Sclerosis with going through a pregnancy again? My husband is nearing 40, do we both have enough energy for a baby? Are the risks of having an unhealthy baby much higher now?
Of course there are so many reasons why another baby would benefit our girls, and us. But for some reason, now that we have been thrown into the "planning" process again, we are dredging up all of the things we had previously worked out. Little things like camping become extra challenging when I am pregnant or have a newborn to take care of. And it doesn't seem fair to deprive the two girls we have from enjoying family camping trips and other things for the next year or more. They can't get that time back. And their childhoods are so very important to us.
I had 3 MRIs done this past month checking on the progression of my MS. My lumbar and neck MRIs came back unchanged. My brain MRI showed 2 small new lesions. They are probably not large enough yet to be symptomatic, but I don't know if they are brand new (like a result of the miscarriage stress) or older (at some random point between my last MRI over a year ago, maybe 2 and now). After finding this out, I struggled with the news. It reminded me that my body is fragile and sensitive. And my doctor already thinks it is amazing that I am as functional as I am considering the number of lesions I already have. That scares me. It feel like I am waiting for the anvil to drop. The day my body is like "haha, we've been tricking you all along, you can no longer feel as 'good' as you do." Maybe that won't happen for years, or decades (hopefully several decades) but the possibility is scary. I'm sure my mental fortitude and endurance and lifestyle choices have something to do with my management of this disease, but some days its hard to just stay positive.
On the day I got my MRI results, Abigail asked what was bothering me. When I tried to briefly explain, she hugged me and said something that I would not ever expect a 5 year old to have the wisdom to be able to say. "Mommy, I really would like another baby brother or sister, but if I were you, and there was a chance that having another baby would make you sicker, I wouldn't have one. Because who would want to get sicker?" My precious girl.
I think mostly I am saddened that I am struggling so much with this decision. Maybe because my rational brain and my heart are not in agreeance at this point and that is incredibly hard for me to handle. And then I keep thinking how unfair it is that I am in this position in the first place. I should be preparing for the arrival of my beautiful third little girl. Not struggling AGAIN with whether or not their should be a third baby. Are these decisions this hard for other families? Or am I over thinking. Over planning.
Normally I would think, "there's plenty of time. step back and give it time. the right answer will come." But I feel like time is running out. My hubby doesn't want to be "old" and still raising babies, and I feel that even though I am just over 30, with my MS, that adds some years onto me health-wise. We want plenty of time to be able to enjoy our family and grow and progress together. So I feel like being that family who has a third baby once their second is in grade school...isn't realistically in the cards for us. I also don't want to be the mom who regrets never having that third baby. Giving my girls another sibling. And at the same time, I don't want to 'regret' having a third baby (not that anyone ever truly regrets having a baby--or at least I hope they don't!).
And so I struggle. With the reason I am in this situation to begin with. With making the right decision because there is no perfect choice.
I also want to let all of my friends who are currently pregnant, or just had a baby...I am so happy for you! I honest to God truly am. But I do struggle with those baby pictures. I love them. I force myself to look at them. And even on the days when they make me sad, I'm still smiling through the tears. Even if it is hard, or I am not ready to hold your newborn, I still think your baby is precious. I am still so very very excited for you. I hold nothing against you or your baby (you had absolutely nothing to do with my situation)....just some times it is still hard. So just bear with me. Don't think my distance is directed towards you. There will come a time that I am all about those newborns again. I just need some time. Time to heal. Time to choose the right path for my family. Time to choose the right path for myself. Time to let my heart heal if that path is not the one it was hoping for.
Life it tough enough on its' own, having to struggle with your own mind and heart is not fair. Eventually I will be ok. My MS symptoms will subside. Our life will get back on track and we will make a decision one way or the other. I am strong. I have an amazing little family that keeps me going and I love with every fiber of my being. They make me stronger. I will be ok. But today I am struggling.
Yes, most days I would appear fine. Many of those days I even feel basically fine. But then there are the days when I just...don't.
I'm not sure if it is still hormones, or just my body, mind, and soul taking it's own round about way to deal with the last few months. Lately though, it has been tough. Yes, I know, I have 2 wonderful and amazing little girls. And they should be enough. And they are. And they're not. I should be happy with my life. And I am. And I'm not.
I feel as though I am in a constant struggle with my self. My heart and my brain are battling and I'm not sure who's winning. At first, it seemed pretty clear, we would try again for another baby. I mean, we planned for the third baby. We wanted her so much. We were excited about being pregnant. So just pick ourselves up, dust off and try again. But now everything is so confusing. Our lives were thrown off their axis, and I feel like mine keeps trying to get back on track but as soon as it gets close, it veers away, ever so slightly.
We keep discussing whether or not we should try again for that third baby. We keep going over all the rational (sort of) thoughts: Can we truly afford another baby? How much will having another baby take away from our two girls now. How much will we have to put on hold again while raising a newborn? How much risk is there for my Multiple Sclerosis with going through a pregnancy again? My husband is nearing 40, do we both have enough energy for a baby? Are the risks of having an unhealthy baby much higher now?
Of course there are so many reasons why another baby would benefit our girls, and us. But for some reason, now that we have been thrown into the "planning" process again, we are dredging up all of the things we had previously worked out. Little things like camping become extra challenging when I am pregnant or have a newborn to take care of. And it doesn't seem fair to deprive the two girls we have from enjoying family camping trips and other things for the next year or more. They can't get that time back. And their childhoods are so very important to us.
I had 3 MRIs done this past month checking on the progression of my MS. My lumbar and neck MRIs came back unchanged. My brain MRI showed 2 small new lesions. They are probably not large enough yet to be symptomatic, but I don't know if they are brand new (like a result of the miscarriage stress) or older (at some random point between my last MRI over a year ago, maybe 2 and now). After finding this out, I struggled with the news. It reminded me that my body is fragile and sensitive. And my doctor already thinks it is amazing that I am as functional as I am considering the number of lesions I already have. That scares me. It feel like I am waiting for the anvil to drop. The day my body is like "haha, we've been tricking you all along, you can no longer feel as 'good' as you do." Maybe that won't happen for years, or decades (hopefully several decades) but the possibility is scary. I'm sure my mental fortitude and endurance and lifestyle choices have something to do with my management of this disease, but some days its hard to just stay positive.
On the day I got my MRI results, Abigail asked what was bothering me. When I tried to briefly explain, she hugged me and said something that I would not ever expect a 5 year old to have the wisdom to be able to say. "Mommy, I really would like another baby brother or sister, but if I were you, and there was a chance that having another baby would make you sicker, I wouldn't have one. Because who would want to get sicker?" My precious girl.
I think mostly I am saddened that I am struggling so much with this decision. Maybe because my rational brain and my heart are not in agreeance at this point and that is incredibly hard for me to handle. And then I keep thinking how unfair it is that I am in this position in the first place. I should be preparing for the arrival of my beautiful third little girl. Not struggling AGAIN with whether or not their should be a third baby. Are these decisions this hard for other families? Or am I over thinking. Over planning.
Normally I would think, "there's plenty of time. step back and give it time. the right answer will come." But I feel like time is running out. My hubby doesn't want to be "old" and still raising babies, and I feel that even though I am just over 30, with my MS, that adds some years onto me health-wise. We want plenty of time to be able to enjoy our family and grow and progress together. So I feel like being that family who has a third baby once their second is in grade school...isn't realistically in the cards for us. I also don't want to be the mom who regrets never having that third baby. Giving my girls another sibling. And at the same time, I don't want to 'regret' having a third baby (not that anyone ever truly regrets having a baby--or at least I hope they don't!).
And so I struggle. With the reason I am in this situation to begin with. With making the right decision because there is no perfect choice.
I also want to let all of my friends who are currently pregnant, or just had a baby...I am so happy for you! I honest to God truly am. But I do struggle with those baby pictures. I love them. I force myself to look at them. And even on the days when they make me sad, I'm still smiling through the tears. Even if it is hard, or I am not ready to hold your newborn, I still think your baby is precious. I am still so very very excited for you. I hold nothing against you or your baby (you had absolutely nothing to do with my situation)....just some times it is still hard. So just bear with me. Don't think my distance is directed towards you. There will come a time that I am all about those newborns again. I just need some time. Time to heal. Time to choose the right path for my family. Time to choose the right path for myself. Time to let my heart heal if that path is not the one it was hoping for.
Life it tough enough on its' own, having to struggle with your own mind and heart is not fair. Eventually I will be ok. My MS symptoms will subside. Our life will get back on track and we will make a decision one way or the other. I am strong. I have an amazing little family that keeps me going and I love with every fiber of my being. They make me stronger. I will be ok. But today I am struggling.
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